A Snake In The Grass Said 'How Do You Do?'

A snake in the grass said ‘how do you do?’
‘Diddly-dum-doo-brother’ I said ‘what’s it to you?’

Tit for tat at the drop of a hat and that was that as a matter of fact
‘This patch ‘aint big enough for the both of us…. is it?’

Scratch an ear with the tip of a shoulder, shake a shiver off in a shimmy
A slimy nose, a dripping tongue, my jaw dropped on to the tummy.

‘Hi-Ho dead or alive raise a hand give me high five’
Cried an instant demand for TWENTY SEVEN SHILLINGS!

Cleaned out robbed of change pockets ripped and twisted
Whatever next you wicked mugger, I’ve a good mind to blow my whistle.

B got the shilly-shallies hot and cold, hold me back it’s taken hold
beat the ground black and blue, dig a brown hole and spit in it !

That’s it you got me now like a bubbling boiling kettle
Dizzy in a rage of steam I’ll snap you in a one two brittle!

I stood and stared with a fat bottom lip drooping alone and stupid
Dripping tears from my chin to my toes I’ve created a sodden cupid.

‘Oh wake up I didn’t mean it, shall I make us a nice cup of tea?’
Sobbing sorry with a heavy head like a naughty boy sat up in bed.

Just as I was about to fill it in, something creaked, like a spooky coffin
There was a chuckle, a wobble, a cheeky grin, ‘if you let me out then I’ll let you in.’

Two hands on a wobbly belly rolling like an unset jelly
‘How do you do’ I cried ‘how…do…you…do ?’

‘Hissing with a twist sister now you listen to this, he who laughs loudest
Wipe that smile from your face and stick ‘em up 'cause you’re under arrest.